“Let’s do one thing. Let’s go back to my apartment. We’ll go to my bedroom baby. Just you and me - for two whole hours – you and I will – discuss! I will convince you to postpone your trip to New York.” I was living in Bombay. This was where it all began.
We had our own lives to tend to. Neither thought we’d have the time for each other. I had just started my career as a writer. Correction – I was hoping to make a career out of the tales that my imagination managed to create. She was into advertising big time. So big, there was almost going to be no time for me. She was about to leave for New York in a week’s time. She was going for some three- four months. There was no way I was going to be able to deal with that. The biggest problem was the financial situation.
“It’s a big project and it’s going to help me grow immensely. They are one of our biggest clients. A writer can work anywhere in the world sweetheart. Why can’t you come along with me to New York?”
“Darling, who in the world is going to finance my stay there? Hello, I don’t even have a single published article. I have not begun earning yet! Besides, you know I want my first novel set in India. In Bombay! We’ve been over this already. I can’t work in New York. It’s impossible. As much as I badly want to be with you, NYC is out of the question baby please.”
Wait. Halt. Time-out! I am supposed to be convincing her to post-pone her trip. But you know what my real intentions are; I want her to cancel it for good. I don’t want her to go at all. I’m not being selfish. It’s only that I can’t take staying away from her for so long. I’m not giving up here. This time I’m making sure she cancels it for good. I’m not being mean. Come on everything’s fair in love and war.
This is me – Arzaan Khusrau – hunting for ways and means to hold my lady-love back. I was madly in love with Naina – Naina Subherwal.
“It has been our dream all this while to work at least for two years in New York Arzaan! Don’t make this hard for me. You know you always do. Please baby, not this time.”
It was true. I always made the process of Naina going away from me, even for a day, sort of difficult for her. I never did it on purpose. But I just couldn’t do without her for too long. “This is mania sweetheart, not love.” I always agreed. I was madly in love with her and I had no problems whatsoever in loudly admitting that.
Except, it was serious this time. It included moving across continents. This was definitely major and I couldn’t be as relaxed as I usually am, even in the most paranoia-inducing situations.
I tried everything. Right from “why can’t you do one more project here and then we both go to New York…” to “will it help if I touch your feet Naina?”
Nothing worked. She kept her stance simple, just like my writing style. But she wouldn’t budge. Almost that entire week, love was war for the both of us. But to my rather great dissappointment, I could see only one way out of this.
I would have to go to New York. I changed tact. I began the process of convincing myself now, to move my arse to the fast paced city, which hopefully would remind me of my dear Mumbai and I prayed with all my heart that New York could feed my imagination with things enough for me to be able to weave an interesting yarn.
I began telling myself a lot of things. I repeated all the striking features of the city inside my head everyday. Hard rock café. Times square. Madison square garden. Central park. The empire state building. Queen’s. Brooklyn. S’barro’s. The statue of Liberty. Starbucks. Even NYPD Blue. “It’s going to work out Arzaan. You can do it man. As Naina always says, “ek lekhak duniya ke kisi bhi koney mein kaam kar sakta hai.” You just have a mental block. You're getting inspired right here!Once you get rid of it, you’re good to go. You can and you will write your story in yes, you guessed it right! New York of all the places on this planet!”
Three weeks later, Naina and I landed in New York and it was beautiful. You know something; to be honest, the only reason I got to NY was my love for Naina. All the excuses to apparently convince myself were just a formality. I wouldn’t even term it fake reassurance. It was purely love that dragged me here. The things Naina did to me and made me do.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Tranquility
I’m a rainbow too. The bright young sunrays in the prime of the morning – it was all beautiful. The dew and the grass were at peace with each other. Everyone wants to learn the process of being peace. I want to be peace. I want to live peace with quiet silence reigning over me.
All haphazard thoughts in my head calming down and everything getting still; I desire the ability to complete my sentences. I want to be as calm as that old monk. He was one epitome of ultimate peace. One special bout of peacefulness – that’s a new feeling. Happens once in a blue moon – extremely calm…
These hyphens annoy me and disrupt the process. Complete sentences sound more relaxed and composed, not to mention calm. When it was all so unruffled, it was all about calmness and serenity.
Am I dreaming now? Walking on the moon and I don’t know how to meet you. I’ll sort it out. It’s time for peace. You can smell the coffee and the sun is shining.
All haphazard thoughts in my head calming down and everything getting still; I desire the ability to complete my sentences. I want to be as calm as that old monk. He was one epitome of ultimate peace. One special bout of peacefulness – that’s a new feeling. Happens once in a blue moon – extremely calm…
These hyphens annoy me and disrupt the process. Complete sentences sound more relaxed and composed, not to mention calm. When it was all so unruffled, it was all about calmness and serenity.
Am I dreaming now? Walking on the moon and I don’t know how to meet you. I’ll sort it out. It’s time for peace. You can smell the coffee and the sun is shining.
Vincent
He was listening to the song, the sweet escape. Gwen Stefani. He was completely dazed. A million thoughts were flying in and out of his head. Actually, thoughts have never flown out of his head. They flown in and get stuck there. His childhood dreams still find their way through, haunt him and destroy his mental peace. He cannot seem to forget anything. He has to remember everything. He is helpless. He desperately wishes to forget some things. But he cannot. He is very helpless. That’s the way God has made him.
He badly wanted to escape. He used to sit in his room for hours and hours and dream of his ideal life. It was almost surreal. But he badly wanted it. He knew it was very hard. He was desperate though. He was ready to do all it took to reach his ideal world. Just closed his eyes and he’d be transported there. No one knew what his obsession was, what he desired, what he was heading toward.
I always knew something was up. Vincent was never like this. He was the complete opposite - a good kid, well-behaved, disciplined, calm and composed. Now, it was like he had transformed. There is a strong reason behind every big phenomenon like Vincent’s drastically changing mindset. The sole reason for his happiness being ruined like there is no tomorrow; is none other than yours truly… me. Yes, don’t get too surprised. I am not a maniac, who happens to have something against poor old Vinny. The problem is I am unfortunately stuck to him – stuck to the prick. Well, I know he is changing but it’s taken me a rather long time to ensure that he finally witnesses this change. Soon, I might like him. He’s becoming like me. Twice the evil! That’s what I’m talking about. Can you imagine that, twice the evil? Together, we could do so much.
Why am I so attached to him? Simple reason… I am him! I am Vincent and so is he. Call me the sub conscience, a figment of his imagination or a split personality. Both of us together make Vincent. We’re in it together. The only glitch – I have my own agendas. And I will do anything it takes just to make all of them happen in the real world. Yes, I’m that kind of a guy. Vince is in for the ride of his life. And so am I.
He badly wanted to escape. He used to sit in his room for hours and hours and dream of his ideal life. It was almost surreal. But he badly wanted it. He knew it was very hard. He was desperate though. He was ready to do all it took to reach his ideal world. Just closed his eyes and he’d be transported there. No one knew what his obsession was, what he desired, what he was heading toward.
I always knew something was up. Vincent was never like this. He was the complete opposite - a good kid, well-behaved, disciplined, calm and composed. Now, it was like he had transformed. There is a strong reason behind every big phenomenon like Vincent’s drastically changing mindset. The sole reason for his happiness being ruined like there is no tomorrow; is none other than yours truly… me. Yes, don’t get too surprised. I am not a maniac, who happens to have something against poor old Vinny. The problem is I am unfortunately stuck to him – stuck to the prick. Well, I know he is changing but it’s taken me a rather long time to ensure that he finally witnesses this change. Soon, I might like him. He’s becoming like me. Twice the evil! That’s what I’m talking about. Can you imagine that, twice the evil? Together, we could do so much.
Why am I so attached to him? Simple reason… I am him! I am Vincent and so is he. Call me the sub conscience, a figment of his imagination or a split personality. Both of us together make Vincent. We’re in it together. The only glitch – I have my own agendas. And I will do anything it takes just to make all of them happen in the real world. Yes, I’m that kind of a guy. Vince is in for the ride of his life. And so am I.
The Sorceress
I had no clue what to do. I had seen her just once. And total anarchy. She controlled me. There was complete chaos in my mind. I could not think about anything else. I kept seeing her face everywhere. I identified every woman as her. I was putting her face in every possible available space. She had occupied every possible available space in my head. The heart was still difficult to say, but my head was filled with nothing, but her.
That day I had seen her in the flea market. And I couldn’t let go. I kept visualizing her everywhere. I came home in the evening and drank a little rum. Thought alcohol would provide distraction and for a few moments, I’d get some moments of peace without her hair, her eyes, her eye lashes, her ears, her cheeks luring me into a trance.
It had been an hour since I had been drinking. Her magic failed to subside. Her face had filled up my entire head. There was no more space for even the smallest thoughts. This was purely nuts. I mean obsession is one thing. But this is ridiculous. I was helpless and clueless again. I felt I needed a break; needed to break this thought-process. I just had to think about something else – anything. Three hours and six bottles of whisky later, I was still the same – like a barmy man. She was almost running through my blood. She was. It was hard to believe, but she was.
I had to trace her, find her, get to know her, at least ask her name. I had seen her just once. And total anarchy.
That day I had seen her in the flea market. And I couldn’t let go. I kept visualizing her everywhere. I came home in the evening and drank a little rum. Thought alcohol would provide distraction and for a few moments, I’d get some moments of peace without her hair, her eyes, her eye lashes, her ears, her cheeks luring me into a trance.
It had been an hour since I had been drinking. Her magic failed to subside. Her face had filled up my entire head. There was no more space for even the smallest thoughts. This was purely nuts. I mean obsession is one thing. But this is ridiculous. I was helpless and clueless again. I felt I needed a break; needed to break this thought-process. I just had to think about something else – anything. Three hours and six bottles of whisky later, I was still the same – like a barmy man. She was almost running through my blood. She was. It was hard to believe, but she was.
I had to trace her, find her, get to know her, at least ask her name. I had seen her just once. And total anarchy.
A Scene Through A Window
End of the Apocalypse
I was in a dream-like state. My jaws felt numb and I couldn’t stop grinding my teeth. For more than a couple of hours, I had no clue as to where I was, what I was doing, whether I was sitting upright in front of the television set or lying down like a zombie on the bed.
The entire room was black – a jet, vacant and a dreadful black. A sinking feeling had set in. Some force similar to the force of gravity kept pulling me, or rather my mind deeper and deeper into the black void that had wrapped itself around me. Pure helplessness – I was alone, oblivious, confused, scared, irritated and without any means of communication. I was compelled not to reach out to anyone.
‘What in fuck’s name is happening to me?’ No answer. I yelled out the question very loudly. No effect – everything was quiet, unnatural and dead. I had lost all hope of getting out of whatever this was. I kept lying down. All I did was think – when, what, why. No explanation or theory seemed to be the missing piece in the jigsaw, till I saw the window.
A window through which you could see the sun shining!
The glazing hot ball of fire, energy and positivity seemed to smile at me. The sun almost had a human-like face and the face kept on smiling. I could not get over the encouraging vigor that I suddenly felt within me.
For a minute, in the bustle of the new found hope, I was contemplating whether I had reached insanity. The window seemed extremely attractive. The frame was made out of pure gold with both rubies and emeralds encrusted on it. The red and green shimmered incessantly.
With a lot of effort, I finally managed to get into a standing position. And I walked toward the window and what I saw through the window left me amazed, speechless and slightly happy.
As I approached the window, the sun that initially seemed to be so close had moved far away into the clear, blue sky. Everything I saw – the trees, the stream, the brown hills – seemed new, as if it had just been created by God. This seemed to be a new world, a new beginning. I could feel I was being given another chance and suddenly one by one, they all came.
From the other side of the window, many of my friends, family and people I’d known, came up to me one by one and spoke to me. Everyone asked me how I had been and that they understood that it had never been easy for me, but at the same time, this was what I had deserved. However, one thing each and every one of them said that made me intrinsically happy was that they all had forgiven me. They waited their turn, spoke to me and then vanished.
Things had begun to make some sense. But I wanted to know more; understand things completely. I kept looking out of the window. The trees vanished. So did the stream and the brown hills. The sun and the clear blue sky remained. I could see a huge highway being formed. A white car (which I somehow perceived as a sign of liberation and peace) had appeared. I saw my small miniature self (My actual self at the window was at quite a distance from all this) get into this car. My miniature self got into the car and began driving. The car zoomed at top speed on the highway. I could see that the car passed many hoardings – ‘Your wait is over,’ ‘redemption – 2 kilometers away,’ ‘you’ve cleared all dues,’ and finally the one that hit me the hardest – ‘hope you’ve learnt your lesson once and for all fuckface for there is definitely no second chance after this.’
That’s when it hit me and I woke up. I could see my dark cell clearly now. The small little window did not shine anymore. But the sunlight from outside gave me the same positive strength as in my dream-like state. It probably was a dream – an eye-opening experience; something that prepared me mentally for the new change. My life was going to transform today. The window and the dream was probably God’s way of showing me new hope for a new commencement and a fresh start. But more importantly, it ensured that I had a clean heart and a severely punished-but-now-guilt-free sub conscience. Yesterday was the 24th of April, 2008, when I was finally released from prison after fourteen years.
I was in a dream-like state. My jaws felt numb and I couldn’t stop grinding my teeth. For more than a couple of hours, I had no clue as to where I was, what I was doing, whether I was sitting upright in front of the television set or lying down like a zombie on the bed.
The entire room was black – a jet, vacant and a dreadful black. A sinking feeling had set in. Some force similar to the force of gravity kept pulling me, or rather my mind deeper and deeper into the black void that had wrapped itself around me. Pure helplessness – I was alone, oblivious, confused, scared, irritated and without any means of communication. I was compelled not to reach out to anyone.
‘What in fuck’s name is happening to me?’ No answer. I yelled out the question very loudly. No effect – everything was quiet, unnatural and dead. I had lost all hope of getting out of whatever this was. I kept lying down. All I did was think – when, what, why. No explanation or theory seemed to be the missing piece in the jigsaw, till I saw the window.
A window through which you could see the sun shining!
The glazing hot ball of fire, energy and positivity seemed to smile at me. The sun almost had a human-like face and the face kept on smiling. I could not get over the encouraging vigor that I suddenly felt within me.
For a minute, in the bustle of the new found hope, I was contemplating whether I had reached insanity. The window seemed extremely attractive. The frame was made out of pure gold with both rubies and emeralds encrusted on it. The red and green shimmered incessantly.
With a lot of effort, I finally managed to get into a standing position. And I walked toward the window and what I saw through the window left me amazed, speechless and slightly happy.
As I approached the window, the sun that initially seemed to be so close had moved far away into the clear, blue sky. Everything I saw – the trees, the stream, the brown hills – seemed new, as if it had just been created by God. This seemed to be a new world, a new beginning. I could feel I was being given another chance and suddenly one by one, they all came.
From the other side of the window, many of my friends, family and people I’d known, came up to me one by one and spoke to me. Everyone asked me how I had been and that they understood that it had never been easy for me, but at the same time, this was what I had deserved. However, one thing each and every one of them said that made me intrinsically happy was that they all had forgiven me. They waited their turn, spoke to me and then vanished.
Things had begun to make some sense. But I wanted to know more; understand things completely. I kept looking out of the window. The trees vanished. So did the stream and the brown hills. The sun and the clear blue sky remained. I could see a huge highway being formed. A white car (which I somehow perceived as a sign of liberation and peace) had appeared. I saw my small miniature self (My actual self at the window was at quite a distance from all this) get into this car. My miniature self got into the car and began driving. The car zoomed at top speed on the highway. I could see that the car passed many hoardings – ‘Your wait is over,’ ‘redemption – 2 kilometers away,’ ‘you’ve cleared all dues,’ and finally the one that hit me the hardest – ‘hope you’ve learnt your lesson once and for all fuckface for there is definitely no second chance after this.’
That’s when it hit me and I woke up. I could see my dark cell clearly now. The small little window did not shine anymore. But the sunlight from outside gave me the same positive strength as in my dream-like state. It probably was a dream – an eye-opening experience; something that prepared me mentally for the new change. My life was going to transform today. The window and the dream was probably God’s way of showing me new hope for a new commencement and a fresh start. But more importantly, it ensured that I had a clean heart and a severely punished-but-now-guilt-free sub conscience. Yesterday was the 24th of April, 2008, when I was finally released from prison after fourteen years.
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