The Journey Begins At The Beginning

I knew what I saw today was going to have its effects on me. I was sitting there alone in that dark patch. No voices were talking to me. It was worse. I was talking to my self in a million versions. That white tyre-like thing was staring at me from time to time. Actually, I was staring at it from the corner of my eye and I saw it move a couple of times. It looked like the female robot from wall-e. I wish wishes came true. I had to speak to someone. Too much was being spoken in my head - right there, all in my head. I wasn’t terrified. But I was freaked out.

The entire room was black – a jet, vacant and a dreadful black. A sinking feeling had set in. Some force similar to the force of gravity kept pulling me, or rather my mind deeper and deeper into the black void that had wrapped itself around me. Pure helplessness – I was alone, oblivious, confused, scared, irritated and without any means of communication. I was compelled not to reach out to anyone.

I came out of that dark patch. The fucking streetlight was searing my eyes. I got a head rush and they startled quarrelling again. The millions of me inside me – Jesus Christ! Why can’t they just shut the fuck up? Idiots go on and on. I go on and on. I need a breather. The tense is changing and I don’t know if it’s going to fit in this bloody piece. No, I’m not frustrated with the writing. I am not frustrated at all in the first place. If it’s a rant and it’s going on in my head, it does not mean I am or was frustrated about something. The yellow alien should’ve understood that. But he didn’t. That being was consuming a solution full of something like soda-bi-carbonate. I could sense effervescence in my mouth when I sipped it.

Ever contemplated whether Alice was on acid when she was in wonderland. She was apparently someone, who Lewis Carroll had an affair with. There are claims he was a mathematician. I beg to differ. My views might not be politically correct or whatever the fuck, I can’t care. Bottom line is he was an acid head. And his central character Alice was on mushrooms and was tripping her mind out in her surreal wonderland. How else can you see rabbits sipping coffee and wearing tuxedoes? The black and white, chequered room; how else is that possible? Once again, it’s the case with most of us. We never get the actual explanations and it pisses me off.

I need to listen to music now. But I can’t. There are telephonic soundwaves flying around in this room. I can sense them. I don’t want to fuck with their flow. The waves are clashing with my thoughts. I can’t stand white light all over again. The key is to seek or see positivity in every situation. But the soundwaves or the signal waves or whatever they are, should function in the matrix rain format. Then, perhaps I can divert them around me and be in peace like that glowing creature – the one who sits like a Guru – that lives in peace amidst the matrix rain.

I want to be peace. I’m a rainbow too. The bright young sunrays in the prime of the morning – it was all beautiful. The dew and the grass were at peace with each other. The millions of me are beginning to calm down - Those little bastards. Ok that was British. It’s all this British influence generated by Guy Ritchie. He makes insane movies in spite of the fact that his wife should retire now. But she’s busy doing music videos with Timberland and Timberlake. Why the fuck am I talking about all this. This is still all in my head.

I want to chase the Sun now. No I want to hide it. I had a dream which foresaw me doing this. I am standing with Nathan on a tall balcony of a house. He says it’s getting too hot, this Sun is too much. And somehow by some sort of coincidence, I feel like God and hide it. Just hide the Sun. The same Sun I have revered all my life - The biggest disinfectant.

That day I had seen her in the flea market. And I couldn’t let go. I kept visualizing her everywhere. I came home in the evening and drank a little rum. Thought alcohol would provide distraction and for a few moments, I’d get some moments of peace without her hair, her eyes, her eye lashes, her ears, her cheeks luring me into a trance. I wanted to know her name.

I can’t stop. But I need to. This is getting too much. I am a mad man living simultaneously in five worlds. I have no clue how this is happening. The California drops made me hallucinate like a bitch at that party. Yes, that was the craziest party I’ve been to. Naina and I went to this party together. We had so much fun. She’s beautiful. She’s the most beautiful girl and I want to get her the most beautiful ring. She’s mentioned a job in New York she’s going to take. I want to publish a book right now. I want to write it in Bombay. She thinks I can write anywhere in the world. Anyway, we’ve said we’ll talk about it. I don’t know how I’m going to convince her. I want to be with her. I’ll go anywhere.

I always knew something was up. Vincent was never like this. He was the complete opposite - a good kid, well-behaved, disciplined, calm and composed. Now, it was like he had transformed. He was listening to the song, the sweet escape. Gwen Stefani. He was completely dazed. A million thoughts were flying in and out of his head. Actually, thoughts have never flown out of his head. They flown in and get stuck there. His childhood dreams still find their way through, haunt him and destroy his mental peace. He cannot seem to forget anything.

I would get inspired by movies. I’m like a magnet. I love the process of stirring up pure, genuine hysteria. You kill men from the armed forces. No body gives a damn. Because it’s all going according to a plan. But you target one paltry old man and threaten to kill him and boom! People lose their minds!

They would all be in my mind. Fiction. But I can’t control myself these days. I’ll be swivelling in the midst of the scripts. They’ll be alter egos.
On second thoughts, fuck that. I am going to start with the story of that drug addict Deejay that spoke to me the other day. Claims to know Nathan, that guy is a mind-blowing cuntbag. I can’t see him, but he talks to me on and off. Sits right next to my ear and goes on and on. I’ve heard enough of his fucking tale. Irritating bastard. He’s told me all about his days of coke and the works. Fucking junkie.
Always hides himself in the depths of that dark patch.

I’m back to sitting in the same dark patch. This is the fucking beginning.